When I lay down at night I am filled with regret. I regret not seizing the moments when my teen son tried to get my attention.
I regret losing my patience with my youngest.
I regret not praising my boys enough.
I regret not being present.
Lately, I'm usually irritated or distracted and I don't do a very good job pretending I'm not.
I go to bed wondering how my boys will remember me when they're grown.
What will my face look like in their memories?
Will I be happy or frustrated in their memories?
So, I ask myself one very hard question.
Which side of me do they see most often?
It's hurts my heart to admit, but they get the irritated version of me much more than they deserve.
Does a child ever deserve that? No.
Yet, that's what I'm offering up each day.
A silver platter of irritation.
One big fat helping of miserable mom.
Eat up, kids.
I'm ashamed to admit that. But, it's true.
I'm not happy with the parenting picture I get when I look in the mirror.
Something's got to change.
More often than not I'm pushing my kids to the side instead of embracing them.
I should be more thankful for them.
My kids are awesome!
They really are just good boys. I couldn't ask for better kids.
They deserve my love and quality time.
I have a teenager who tries to engage with me, but I often miss the signs.
Although his advances are awkward and his timing is almost always off, he's just trying to navigate being a teenager as much as I'm trying to navigate parenting one.
It's not fair to him that I'm not being a loving leader.
He's not going to crawl up on my lap and give me a hug.
He's going to tell me a stupid joke I don't get, and I can either stop and take the time to just talk to him, or I can shrug him off.
It's a split second decision on my part that has a lasting affect on him for a lifetime.
Those awkward jokes are the hugs he used to give, and I need to recognize them for what they are and take full advantage.
I have an eight year old who's so excited about life he's ready to burst out of his own skin by 7 am.
God built him with a veracious appetite for life and a little mind that never stops moving.
As much as that spins me out everyday, I need to be there for him.
Instead of stifling him, I should be encouraging him.
I should be molding that energy and teaching him how to turn it into something amazing!
I never want to make him feel like he has to hold back.
I want to build his confidence and teach him to believe in himself.
I need to have some fun with my kids.
I need to smile more.
I need to be approachable.
I need to be the mom I want my kids to remember.
Listening to what God is laying on my heart if the first step to changing.
Sometimes I forget that I want to be a better mom.
They deserve my best.