It's Not Always About Homeschool!
"So, why homeschool?"
This question came up a couple of weeks ago in a conversation with my therapist. (I don't know how else to tell you that I'm seeing a therapist other than just coming right out and saying it. It's like ripping off a band-aid.)
I'm seeing a therapist.
I'm still unsure about the whole thing. After four visits I'm left wondering where it's all going.
My thoughts on therapy thus far could easily fill up an entirely separate post. Or two. Or three. At the moment, I'm just getting used the idea of going.
I'm working on being a healthier me and seeing a therapist is all part of my evil plan.
When he initially asked me about our decision to homeschool a few visits back, I gave a brief answer summing up my thoughts on the subject, and then we moved on.
But, when the topic of homeschooling came up again last week he said something to me I haven't been able to get over.
"I'm not quite sure that shoe fits you.", he threw out flippantly as he leaned back in his chair.
What? I felt the claws coming out.
I glanced up at the clock noticing my time was already over and felt frustrated I wouldn't be able to discuss his comment.
His statement has been an annoying cliffhanger. It's one of the many reasons I don't think he's a good fit for me and my most recent excuse to not go anymore. I come up with a new one before each visit.
His comment has also fueled a fire in me I needed to have ignited. Maybe that was the point? If it wasn't intended, I'm glad God used it that way.
Who is he to say what shoe fits me?
He's spent a total of 4 hours with me and only has knowledge of my most dramatic moments of the last year.
He doesn't really know me. He doesn't really know my family.
He only sees the very small picture I've given him, and that picture hasn't been so pretty. It's been accurate but incomplete.
I mean, if I'm going to pay someone to talk to me, I'm going to make the most of the time and break out my laundry list of frustrations when I'm there. Right?
You don't go to the doctor and tell them all the reasons why you feel great. You naturally list all the reasons why you feel like crap.
Doesn't the same go in therapy?
I've shared some parenting struggles and frustrations. Things aren't always rainbows and sunshine around here. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I lose my shit. Sometimes parenting is hard and I'm left frustrated when I don't know what to do.
Sometimes I feel like I lack so many of the tools I need to do the job successfully. As an adult, I can see that there are few items missing from my parenting toolbox and I want to do something about it!
I want to be a better mom for my boys. I want to be a better me for myself. I want to make sure I give them all the tools they need in their own toolbox. I know I have some work to do.
I'm tired of always saying I'm going to do something about my anxiety and depression and never doing anything! It feels good to take action.
So here I am. Admittedly imperfect, seeking professional therapy, and among the many hats I wear, I happen to homeschool my kids.
I don't know why he felt like he could sum me up like that, throwing out a judgmental comment for me to stew over for a week, but I do know this...
Homeschooling moms should be able to admit their parenting struggles withouth the fear of being judged as someone who shouldn’t be homeschooling.
We all struggle, no matter what educational choices we've made for our families.
Just because I homeschool my kids doesn't mean sending them to public school is going to solve all of my problems.
There's a lot of work I need to do, but quitting my job isn't one of them.
Most of the struggles I'm having have nothing to do with my kids and everything to do with me, and the frustrations that are related to parenting would still be there no matter where my kids went to school.
Homeschooling moms don't talk about the downside enough. Probably because we're afraid of judgment like this.
Sure, there are crappy days when I'm wondering what the hell I've gotten myself into. There are moments when I feel like I'm in over my head.
But, what job doesn't have these moments?
When you're a homeschooling parent going through a tough time, it seems like the first solution to any problem is sending your kids back to public school.
But, it's not always about homeschool!
Sometimes it's about a long list of other things.
I'm just glad I realized that!